I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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