Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
