My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
