Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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