Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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