don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
