When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
It's just like the Real World with babies
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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