Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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