I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
