don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
