Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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