I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
