when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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