Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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