dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
