if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
