"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
