i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
