I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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