he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
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Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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