I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
