Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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