I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
