I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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