So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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