I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
