If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
True college students do jello shots in the library
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
