She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Less talking, more tequila
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
