My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
