I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
