my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
