Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
