So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
