i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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