the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
