i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
