You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
