Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
