uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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