Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Someone shit on the floor
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
