Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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