she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
