You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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