it was like his penis was on wheels.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
