I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
