can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
