If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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