So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
