Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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