Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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