he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
