I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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