Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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