I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
