My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
