so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
