did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
